true colors

i still haven't found a place to move in... it's stressful. i really thank GOD for my REAL friends who are there not only to listen and give moral support but also to offer real help. in times like this you'll really know who your real friends are.

God, i am scared. i don't know how to go through this. tell me what you want me to do and help me do it. pls....

JESUS

if there's something that i am most grateful of, it is the fact that i have YOU as my SAVIOR and LORD and that i know YOU.

my heart's language

this morning i was awakened by the thoughts of schatz... for some reason he again entered my mind. that got me thinking, what did i really like in him? i now know the answer... it's his unassuming and yet confident demeanor, his humble and Christ-like attitude matched with his gentle & quiet spirit. in the years that i've known him not even once have i heard him boast. i really wanna stay friends with him even after our tumultuous past. last time i heard from him was march of this year and i'm not really sure whether it's my fault or not. we were ok but then i always fail to keep my word. i kept on telling him that i would call but i never did and that's when the texting stopped. is it already a period, LORD?

and then when i got to church the song was the one that has always reminded me of him and my heart for the mission. is it a double confirmation, DAD? i was again reminded of what's really in my heart and that is to be a part of the missions.

hearing different nations worship GOD in their native tongue never fails to get me misty eyed. thank you, FATHER for the reminder of what's really in my heart.

Stubborn Love

this song makes me cry. it's a good reminder of just how much our GOD loves us.

Caught again. Your faithless friend.
Don't You ever tire of hearing
What a fool I've been?
Guess I should pray,
But what can I say?
Oh, it hurts to know the hundred times
I've caused You pain.

The "forgive me" sounds so empty
When I never change.
Yet You stay and say, "I love you still,"
Forgiving me time and time again.


CHORUS:
It's Your stubborn love
That never lets go of me.
I don't understand how You can stay -
Perfect love embracing the worst in me
How I long for Your stubborn love.


Funny me.
Just couldn't see
Even long before I knew You,
You were loving me.
Sometimes I cry -
You must cry, too
when You see the broken promises
I've made to you.
I keep saying that I'll trust You
Though I seldom do.
Yet You stay and say You love me still,
Knowing some day I'll be like You.


CHORUS:

It's Your stubborn love
That never lets go of me.
I don't understand how You can stay -
Perfect love embracing the worst in me.
And You never let me go -
I believe I finally know
I can't live without Your stubborn love!

intervention

have i really let go? i know i did but then it came creeping back on me and before i knew it, kaboom.. i'm almost back to square 1! well some of the things they've (jdv & mon) said kinda hit me but one thing i don't agree with was when they said na "kawawa naman magiging bf ko next". i don't think so!

maybe he would think that he would just be living in the shadow of the past guy but i know myself. i've been to a couple (?) of serious relationships already and i know that i could love the next one more than i've loved the last one. didn't i love the g guy more than i've loved edsel? so i'm quite confident that i would love the next one more than i've ever loved the g guy.

reality tv

i love watching reality shows on tv. i watch jon & kate + 8, small people big world and 18 kids & counting. and among these the last one, i think, is my favorite and it's because they're christians. they have 18 kids (now 19) but they were able to raise them pretty well. they've got good christian values and i love seeing the love & respect still present in jim bob & michelle's eyes whenever they look at each other.

so you see, marrying someone who fears God is more of a practical choice than a religious one. i want a God-fearing family. i want order in my family and not chaos. i want to look in my husband's eyes with confidence, knowing that God gave him to me and that he'll stand by me no matter what.

a relationship without God in the center is really a boring one. what do you talk about? once the passion had died down, what's next?

i want a love triangle, with God in the center. that way our union will be stronger, less chaotic but at the same time more exciting compared to what this world alone could offer.

what have YOU prepared for me, DAD?

don't go to Jerusalem

september's a critical month for me and my emotions. from previous entries i've alredy mentioned that i tend to become uber sensitive during my birth month. and the devil's been playing with this ... wanting me to make a big fuss out of everything and hate everybody who wouldn't speak my love language and make me feel loved and appreciated. it's scary, really! so i prayed for GOD to show me HIS love and make me feel loved, cherished and whatever mushy feeling i wanna feel.

after praying this, i opened my bible.... and this is what HE gave me;

Jeremiah 42

v 5 & 6 Then they said to Jeremiah, “May the Lord your God be a faithful witness against us if we refuse to obey whatever he tells us to do! Whether we like it or not, we will obey the Lord our God to whom we are sending you with our plea. For if we obey him, everything will turn out well for us.”

v 8-12 So he called for Johanan son of Kareah and the other guerrilla leaders, and for all the people, from the least to the greatest. He said to them, “You sent me to the Lord, the God of Israel, with your request, and this is his reply: ‘Stay here in this land. If you do, I will build you up and not tear you down; I will plant you and not uproot you. For I am sorry about all the punishment I have had to bring upon you. 11 Do not fear the king of Babylon anymore,’ says the Lord. ‘For I am with you and will save you and rescue you from his power. I will be merciful to you by making him kind, so he will let you stay here in your land.’

and the rest of the chapter goes like this;

13 “But if you refuse to obey the Lord your God, and if you say, ‘We will not stay here; 14 instead, we will go to Egypt where we will be free from war, the call to arms, and hunger,’ 15 then hear the Lord’s message to the remnant of Judah. This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: ‘If you are determined to go to Egypt and live there, 16 the very war and famine you fear will catch up to you, and you will die there. 17 That is the fate awaiting every one of you who insists on going to live in Egypt. Yes, you will die from war, famine, and disease. None of you will escape the disaster I will bring upon you there.’

18 “This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: ‘Just as my anger and fury have been poured out on the people of Jerusalem, so they will be poured out on you when you enter Egypt. You will be an object of damnation, horror, cursing, and mockery. And you will never see your homeland again.’

19 “Listen, you remnant of Judah. The Lord has told you: ‘Do not go to Egypt!’ Don’t forget this warning I have given you today. 20 For you were not being honest when you sent me to pray to the Lord your God for you. You said, ‘Just tell us what the Lord our God says, and we will do it!’ 21 And today I have told you exactly what he said, but you will not obey the Lord your God any better now than you have in the past. 22 So you can be sure that you will die from war, famine, and disease in Egypt, where you insist on going.”


i've read this passage before and i remember even posting it here but today itt gave me a different message... another proof that GOD's word is indeed alive and speaks to us. so where's the love here that i was asking from HIM. HIS way is really different. i am not a spiritual child anymore, i've been in HIS family for quite some time now and GOD knows that i don't need that much mushy stuff anymore just so i would feel loved and needed. GOD loves me, that's for sure. but instead of feeding my 'not-so-right state of mind' HE decided to give me the hard truth. just like the israelites in verses 5-8 i would often say that i would do what HE wants me to do. just an hour ago i was actually thinking of withdrawing from all gift givings and showing of love to my siblings just so i wouldn't expect anything from them anymore and i was actually harboring hatred in my heart. and what is GOD's word about hating?

one of the many verses is
Leviticus 19:17a - Do not hate your brother in your heart.

and yet i was actually contemplating on doing just that. and the rest of the chapters of Jeremiah 42 tells of the consequences of going against God's word. if i go ahead and harbor hatred in my heart, i would be the one who would suffer from it in the end. it would kill my heart, my relationship with my siblings and my testimony.

so what if they don't love me? GOD loves me and HE's there for me. and there are people there who cares... my dgroup friends love me and maybe some other people also do but they just don't know how to speak my love language.

and GOD's clear message for me today is in v 19 “Listen, you remnant of Judah. The Lord has told you: ‘Do not go to Egypt!’ Don’t forget this warning I have given you today."

egypt right now represents hatred. and yes, i won't go there.

sad news

heard from a close college friend and she told me that her marriage had already ended. i really felt bad about it and i wanna see her right now and give her a big hug. but it made me ask myself... if christian couples find it hard to make a marriage work, how would non-christians do it?

disliked

i went there with some people and ended up going home alone, really felt bad about it. i wanna keep my focus on the end goal but it's so hard to not feel bad about it. lately i feel so unappreciated, so uncared for. i know it sounds kinda childish but i'm actually thinking of transferring to another small group at work.... something like my dgroup in church. if they don't like me then what's the reason for staying?

DAD,

i really feel bad about it but please let me see the lessons that you're teaching me. i know that apart from you, nobody else would care... but knowing is different from actually feeling it. i'm already used to this, used to being alone, why does it still hurt this much?

don't let this bad feeling render me ineffective. i've been through soooo many hurts already, i could take another as long as you're with me.

secrets of the vine

i thought i won't be able to make it to the retreat because i really felt terribly sick the night before. i didn't even prepare for it anymore because there's really no way for me to get there given the way i was feeling last friday. but then i woke up before 4am (if i'm not mistaken) and even posted on my FB that i won't be able to go to the retreat coz i'm sick but then my impulsive nature got a hold of me ( or was it the Holy Spirit) and decided to call my friend, not even knowing why i was calling her. and the moment she picked up the phone she asked me if i'm already coming and i said yes. the moment we put the phone down, i took a bath, packed my things and headed straight to the door. i was even the first person to get to the meeting place.... with unmatched earrings, that is! i only got to discover it evening of the first day. fashion statement! ;-)

and boy, was i glad i attended the retreat! i've learned a lot! it brought me back to basic and that is to bear fruit for CHRIST. i used to think that bearing fruit only means winning souls for HIM, how wrong i was. bearing fruits also connote doing good works for me to glorify HIS name. there are a lot of things that struck me but i don't have time to write about it now, gotta rest first.

birthday prayer

Psalm 18:16-19

But me he caught—reached all the way
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

thank you, DAD for giving me another year! thanks so much for the blessings; for my family, friends, colleagues and ministry partners. i thank YOU even for the trials, LORD because i know that YOU won't let me suffer without a purpose. thanks a lot for the lessons learned through those hardships. i'm sorry for failing YOU over and over again. sorry for causing YOU heartaches. sorry for not doing YOUR will.
make me a better person this year, DAD. purify my heart, dear LORD. i wanna serve YOU just for the simple reason that i love you and that i want to bring more souls to you. don't let me get side tracked. don't let money, pleasure or anything that i think i need get in the way of this desire to serve YOU. give me the wisdom to know what it is that YOU really want me to do. use me, LORD. this year i wanna stop hiding. use my rarity to show the world that YOU could make a somebody completely out of a nobody. help me proclaim my rarity and not be ashamed of it. give me the courage and strength to be vulnerable, to risk being ridiculed in exchange for being loved for who i truly am. and if that man never comes, if it's not your will for me to get married, then just take away this desire, LORD. i don't want this year to be swamped with that consuming desire anymore.

but thank you so much for showing me that i could still be loved despite of who i am. thanks a lot for loving me, DAD however crooked and broken i am. i'm giving u back my life and will do it over and over again. use whatever is left of it for your glory. and if i won't be of use here anymore then just take me home. i wanna go home.

but since i'm still here, i commit to YOU yet another year of my life. use me!

???

i thought am not gonna be hit by the blues anymore, but here i am a day before my birthday and feeling kinda lonely already. what triggered the blues? who triggered it is more appropriate a term, actually.

do u really have to tell me that you're dating someone already? soooooo insensitive!

if u wanna make me feel special, the best day to do it is on my bday and if u wanna break me to pieces do it on my special day as well. and u chose the latter! :-(

remembering ANN

a friend of mine died just recently, first time that i've lost a friend through death. and though i haven't really seen her for years i still miss her... especially today. met her during the early to mid 90s i think and she was the one who consoled me during my first break-up. she's shared many of my ups and downs. she's grieved with me, was there even during my crazy days and i know that she loved me.

she died of lupus. though i extended help through financial means i never got to visit her in the hospital. she asked for me but i didn't go to her because i was scared. i don't wanna see her looking sick and all. i wouldn't know what to say to her anyways. i want her to stay healthy and alive in my mind.

i know that she's in a better place now, free of pain and suffering. and i know one day i'll see her in heaven. i know she'll be one of the persons who will be there to welcome me home :-)... can't wait for that day to come.

thinking of you just now and the many things we've been through. sorry i wasn't able to visit you but God knows i prayed, really prayed and did the best i could to be of help. though it saddens me that you're no longer here, am also relieved that you're now in a better place... free from sickness, pain, heartaches and tears. i'll see u at the pearly gates, Ann.

yeah, u could love even from a distance.

spoke too soon again

going through something right now. GOD really has HIS way of extracting what's really in our hearts. i wrote about fortune the other day, even said that it doesn't bother me that much. but after getting my salary letter and comparing it with what i could get from another company, it started to bother me.

should i leave?

idols

what is it that i really want from life? what's my utmost desire? what do i really want to ask GOD for?

according to the book that i'm currently reading, the answers to these questions are the devil's targets of temptations. the author stated that these are the biggies satan uses to get us off track; fortune, fame, power and pleasure. as a woman (speaking for myself) my desire really is not to amass great fortune nor to have power and fame, i just want to be loved the way i am... no ifs, no buts. i think it could be categorize as pleasure and this is where the devil often tricks me. for years now this is the lesson that i always fail to learn. they just have different names, different circumstances but still the same lesson, my want of pleasure. but don't get me wrong, it's not the type that's completely sexual. it's that inner desire to share everything with another person. problem is, it seems like i always pick the wrong ones.

but slowly i'm finally learning how to leave it all in God's hands. just recently my heart got broken again but it's not a major heartache only because all throughout my prayer was for GOD to hold my heart in HIS hands...to not let it go until it's already time. and HE kept to HIS word...

1 John 5:4-5 (New Living Translation)

4 For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith. 5 And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.

...and kept my heart really safe.

it's really sad how we as Christians often act as losers when we were promised in HIS word that we are victorious in HIM. may our desires/idols don't take precedence over our LORD. HE can give us more than these idols could give us.... more than the pleasure that a lover could give.

may we stay away from anything that might take GOD's place in our hearts.

Darlene Zschech - Jesus, Lover Of My Soul

this song never fails to touch my heart. it reminds me of my beginnings with HIM and how HE remains faithful despite it all. it's also a reminder that because of HIM i have something to look forward to... a bright future not only here but also in the life hereafter.

i often start my quiet time with this song especially when i feel that my heart's too far from HIM.

gutsy me??!

the 1st step to getting the things you want out of life is this: you have to decide what it is that u really want!

Which reminds me of this Bible passage;

James 1:7-8 (Amplified Bible) For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord, [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides].

i am not the most decisive of all people but when i want something, i really go for it to the point that i don't even ask GOD anymore whether it's what HE wanted for me or not. they used to call me a go-getter way back in college but i've lost some of those guts already. like yesterday, i saw this old college crush at the mall but instead of saying hi i just decided to act as if i didn't see him. we didn't part in good terms way back then. he was the most obnoxious and the most inconsiderate guy i've ever met, aside from sunshine of course. and that college guy really knew how to pursue just because he wanted something from me. i think that was the first time that i totally got turned off with somebody that i really find attractive.

ok, so what's my point? i think it's ok to lose some of the gutsiness.... it's ok to not go after what u really want as long as you're sure that it's not what GOD wants for u. it's ok to be double minded but only when it's a choice between evil and good.

who's/what's your EGYPT?

Jeremiah 42:11-22


11 Do not fear the king of Babylon anymore,' says the Lord. 'For I am with you and will save you and rescue you from his power. 12 I will be merciful to you by making him kind, so he will let you stay here in your land.'

13 "But if you refuse to obey the Lord your God, and if you say, 'We will not stay here; 14 instead, we will go to Egypt where we will be free from war, the call to arms, and hunger,' 15 then hear the Lord's message to the remnant of Judah. This is what the Lord of Heaven's Armies, the God of Israel, says: 'If you are determined to go to Egypt and live there, 16 the very war and famine you fear will catch up to you, and you will die there. 17 That is the fate awaiting every one of you who insists on going to live in Egypt. Yes, you will die from war, famine, and disease. None of you will escape the disaster I will bring upon you there.'

18 "This is what the Lord of Heaven's Armies, the God of Israel, says: 'Just as my anger and fury have been poured out on the people of Jerusalem, so they will be poured out on you when you enter Egypt. You will be an object of damnation, horror, cursing, and mockery. And you will never see your homeland again.'

19 "Listen, you remnant of Judah. The Lord has told you: 'Do not go to Egypt!' Don't forget this warning I have given you today. 20 For you were not being honest when you sent me to pray to the Lord your God for you. You said, 'Just tell us what the Lord our God says, and we will do it!' 21 And today I have told you exactly what he said, but you will not obey the Lord your God any better now than you have in the past. 22 So you can be sure that you will die from war, famine, and disease in Egypt, where you insist on going."

================

as i was reading this passage in the Bible the other day, it made me think of the many ways we try to overtake God. thinking that we know better than HIM. yeah, some of the things that we want could look as if it's the best thing that could ever happen to us and nothing will ever go wrong because it looks so promising.

just like how the remnants of judah looked at egypt. they think that the Lord's keeping them from something that's good, "13 "But if you refuse to obey the Lord your God, and if you say, 'We will not stay here; 14 instead, we will go to Egypt where we will be free from war, the call to arms, and hunger,..." so they insisted on going despite the Lord's warning.

many of us were like this, when we ask something from GOD and HE says 'no' we often think that He's being mean and selfish and that He doesn't love us at all. often times we forget just how good GOD is and that He will never withhold anything from us if it will be good for us.

may we all remember that God has a bird's eyeview of our life as opposed to us who could only see what's directly in front of us. let's entrust everything to HIM. He has a plan :-)

just a thought

got a glimpse of who i really am and chickened out...tsk tsk

how?

how do u say it when you're not even allowed to give a hint?
how do u quiet a heart that continually shouts his name?
how do u hug someone when u can't even touch him?
how do u say i love you without uttering a word?
how do u act it out without scaring him away?
how do u stop your heart from crying out everytime u see him?

BEATS ME!

i am affected and i miss him so much. i thought we're friends, how come we're not even talking?

ms bloopers

i commit lot of bloopers when i don't have enough sleep and here's one

"hi ****! just can't help but notice that there seems to be that inexpressible discomfort between the two of us for the past few days... hope this sandwich will make up for my shortcomings...

enjoy your breakfast! :-)"


=====

1:36am of aug 13 (friday)

yeah, all bloopers! but it's nothing, i'll be over it in no time at all. and come to think of it, i just noticed him when he started giving me attention (normal girl) and without it then he'll be back to being black & white. but anyhow, i thank him for coloring my world even for a while. and if nothing else, he cut the ties that were holding me back from exploring new frontiers.

glad he's courageous enough to come forward and discuss this with me. no harm done:-)

why?

i treasure you because....
> we share the same faith
> we have the same FATHER
> i could talk to you about how wonderful our God is
> i love your child-like heart
> i admire your willingness to serve our Savior
> you could make me laugh
> you could make me smile
> you take "boring" out of everyday
> i love the way your eyes spark whenever you smile at me
> i like the way we make faces at each other instead of just smiling
> i love the way you texts/email me ( used to)
> u could make me submit to you
> i know i could trust you

and i know that the list could go on once i've gotten to know you better

proverbs

The whole book of Proverbs is about wisdom and how to make life work. The verse that struck me the most in chapter 1 though was verse 7

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction"

This verse, in a way, summarizes the whole book of Proverbs. This book is about God's wisdom written in a way that we humans could understand.

In the world's point of view, a fool is someone with low IQ or somebody who's way below average when it comes to intelligence but in a Biblical concept, it's anybody who ignores GOD's wisdom.

As humans, we often fall into doing the wrong things without even thinking of its consequences. And what's worse is when we keep on being wayward Christians, being complacent about the effects of our actions, we lose claim of GOD's promises and protection

24 I called you so often, but you wouldn't come.
I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.
25 You ignored my advice
and rejected the correction I offered.
26 So I will laugh when you are in trouble!
I will mock you when disaster overtakes you
27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm,
when disaster engulfs you like a cyclone,
and anguish and distress overwhelm you.

28 When they cry for help, I will not answer.
Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me.
29 For they hated knowledge
and chose not to fear the Lord.
30 They rejected my advice
and paid no attention when I corrected them.
31 Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way,
choking on their own schemes.
32 For simpletons turn away from me to death.
Fools are destroyed by their own complacency.


But for those who listen to HIS instructions, HIS promise is this;

33 But all who listen to me will live in peace,
untroubled by fear of harm.

We all need to take GOD's hands and let HIM lead us to the right direction. For me, that's wisdom.

i miss him and i feel like crying

???

i see u almost everyday, how come i still miss u?

plot

watching/experiencing the unfolding of a story.... don't know the ending yet but i love playing the part coz i could see His hands in all the twists and turns. and even if it doesn't end the way i want to, i would still be grateful for this experience. what an exciting GOD i have!

i've always thought that it's gonna be a big revelation but with the rate things are going it looks like it's gonna be more of an unfolding than a revelation. i'm excited... loving the twists and turns of the story that He has written specifically for me.

he who said that christianity is boring hasn't experienced my LORD yet.

me to earth

i've misread him, glad i'm back to normal

should i or should i not?

our old dg in church will have this thanksgiving gathering on saturday at the aic tower in ortigas, not sure if i can make it though. it actually makes me sad coz i really wanna be there. i wanna see the old dg members but for some can't-mention-here reason i won't be able to. this is one of those moments when i'm getting reminded of the reality of it all. it sucks but it's not all about me. i could go but i chose not to and that's my problem.

i miss them.

the heart

"since the heart is the womb of our character there are times when we need to guard it, lest things that have no business being inside break and enter. but there are also times when we need to give our heart away, releasing traits that need to be put to use for the good of others and to the glory of God."

i pray for God to give me the strength and wisdom to know when to release it. i want my heart to be free of any encumbrances. it's not as agile anymore. not as resilient as it used to be. i ought to be more careful.

though this guy really makes me happy and beaming i still don't know how he feels about me. it's scary and crazy to give my heart away this early.

i want my heart to just stay with you, LORD.

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER - Gerard Kenny

LAST SONG SYNDROME ;-)

anonymous no more :-)

i knew it! happy (misty-eyed even) to see u still reading my so-called-existence after all these years. i sure wanna hear from you when you're ready for it, no pressure! :-) i wanna know what's going on with u. i wanna hear the lessons u've learned, the dramas, joys.... everything! nothing would be too trivial. ;-)

anyways, u keep on saying that i have a good heart. well, modesty aside... i also believe that i do but makes me wonder why 'he' (nobody in particular as of my writing this) couldn't see it. but maybe he did see it, it's just that he's not man enough to face up to whatever it is that comes with that good heart... ahhhh, the intricacies of a woman's heart. but GOD has me in HIS hands... i just have to wait and wait and wait.

i know am not making much sense right now and it's 'cause i'm hurting, figuratively and literally. i have a terrible backache, don't know what happened but it started on my chest, got into my back and stayed there.

and my heart's also hurting, figuratively, that is. let's just say that i got carried away by the tide for some time but is now back ashore. that short stint though taught me,at the very least, that there are still lots of fish in the ocean. but this one that i've had a short encounter with needs a little tete a tete but am still thinking about it... i don't wanna scare the hell out of him ;-)he's hurt me, yes, but he also got me ready to love again, to be open to other possibilities. it could've been him though, sad he doesn't like me.

last night when i told him that my back hurts, i was hoping that he would at least show some care... to come near me and offer comfort but he never did. some guy friends, who are not even christians, offered comfort but not him. and that washed me back onshore. good thing it happened this early though, instead of having me float in the vast ocean of nothingness. i can't afford to wait that long anymore.

anyways, sorry for taking this all out on you. wish we could talk. btw, do u still blog? or have u ever blogged? sorry, it's been years and my memory's not that good anymore. if u do blog, mind giving me the link?

so long, buddy! :-)

which Bible beauty am i?

You are Sarah.
Wife of Abraham, the Father of All Nations.
Sarah is the Bible's legendary matriarch who gave
birth though past the age of childbearing.

When Abraham came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw
that she was a very beautiful woman. Genesis 12:14

writing from the heart

it's really not for me, my heart's grieving. i can't stand having to wait for something that's so close and then not knowing whether i'm really waiting for something or it's just a pigment of my over active imagination. i can't stand another heartache.

i've decided to just be still. being still doesn't mean that i've lost the feeling already, it just means that i'm not gonna have an active participation anymore until he has made his mind up already. and in case there's really nothing to decide on on his end, at least i've saved myself from investing too much of my emotions into something that's not even there in the first place.

i've let myself go so easily... i shouldn't have gotten thrilled by the attention. it's nothing! that's the problem with christian guys, they're just too nice and women have this tendency to read something completely out of nothing. really, both sexes should be extra careful.

thank you, DAD because i know that my heart's still in your mighty hands.

hey hey

yeah, been a little chatty lately and 'anonymous', thanks for the comment on my previous post. really makes me wonder who you really are. am not sure but you could be david, an old friend from ohio. :-) am i right?

anyways, writing this before leaving for work. my heart's soaring but i want God to keep it in His palms until it's already time to let it fly. i'm scared. i want this to go somewhere, yes, but on the other hand i am kinda scared because i'm not used to it anymore. i'm so used on being alone, doing my own thing and making decisions without consulting anyone but if all that's gonna change... so be it.

i'll let GOD decide... this might not even go anywhere. come what may, i am happy.

what do i want it to be?

a lull, complete halt or, hoping against hope, an inception?

much as i don't want to admit it, it raised my hopes but it's good that it's stopped even before it began. it's not that it's wrong but i don't wanna go through the same feeling again. so, after all the excitements and playbacks... i'm still alone. they ought to be more careful with our hearts. women are differently wired than men.

an ex got in touch with me just today saying sorry for all the times that he's hurt me. goodness! it's been more than a decade ago, he should get over it. but it's good to talk to him again without the bitterness and all. there are a lot of closures happening in my life lately. it also included i being able to forgive my mom completely. am i dying?!

fluctuating

missing my white noise!

have u ever had that feeling of wanting something so much when it's not there but then not knowing what to do with it once it's already within your reach? been feeling that way for weeks now. i don't know how it started, it just crept into my system. one day i just woke up and kaboom, i've been hit!

silly grins, sparkling eyes, endless playbacks, and the sort of walking on air feeling... arrrrgh! aren't i too old for this?

miss crying

life's busy and GOD's been so gracious, merciful and faithful... there's really no reason to cry. not that i'm asking for problem or for GOD to give me something to cry about but i do miss that soul cleansing water of life = tears. crying makes u wanna crawl in bed and just talk to GOD. tears remind u that u've got a soul and a heart. tears refresh ur inner being. it makes u feel human.

but for sure i don't need sorrowful tears for me to stay in touch with my heart, GOD could cook up events in my life to make me feel that. for now i wanna make joyful noises in praise of my SAVIOR!

closures

just got home from having dinner with 2 good friends, it was an emergency dinner coz of an event that happened last night. GOD has replaced the comma with a period . GOD's closing old chapters of our lives already, what happened to her also happened to me... C-L-O-S-U-R-E. it's sad but it's high time for us to say goodbye to those long gone.

my closure happened couple of weeks ago, i think. i've been praying for some clarity for the past month or so already and the answer came when i saw him accidentally. right there and then GOD gave me a clear answer, it's time to move on already. and it's actually freeing! i didn't even cry. what i had was just an illusion, he's not a beacon at all! i put him on a pedestal when in fact he didn't even treat me like a bro in Christ should. i fell in love with his profession, his mission and my idea of what a missionary should be like. i'm really glad that i'm over it now. i hope my friend would feel the same. the guy just used her as his emotional whore and i'm just glad that he's now gone.

so, what's in store for us? not sure but one thing i know, GOD is moving. HE's got something exciting planned. can't wait for that plan to come into fruition. but for now i'm willing to wait for THE ONE, i just hope he's just around the bend. i don't know who's it gonna be yet, he may not even be my idea of what i want but i'm open to possibilities. i just wanna feel treasured, cherished and loved.

and what would make me feel loved?
> service
> gifts
> words of affirmation/appreciation

i have a wonderful GOD!

it's been a really hectic day; went to church after work, met up with my dgroup and with a real estate broker afterwards then went shopping and met up with a friend after and then shopping again. spent a lot also :-(

note to self; just let things take its natural course

more blessings

busy, busy, busy.... i just wanna stay home but couldn't. lots of demands from the outside world. yesterday i went to a wedding and child dedication and today i would visit a friend in the hospital and give some moral and monetary assistance. GOD really took me seriously when i told HIM that i wanna be a channel of HIS blessing and now i am being stretched. i'm not a natural giver, it requires a whole lot of grace from GOD for me to be able to do this.

well, i thank HIM for giving me the ability to earn and for not being the one on the other side of the fence... the one needing help. but one thing i've learned, you can't really outgive GOD. HE will give u more and more blessings if you know how to share.

longings

i don't believe in coincidences. yesterday i was supposed to meet up with a friend in shangri-la for late lunch and then meet up with another set of friends for dinner later that night. but i ended up meeting with the first friend in rockwell instead. and because of that my heart ended up walking all over the place. has something changed? i think so, it's now time for CLOSURE! yes,i don't want a german jacket anymore.

GOD wants me to finish this chapter of my life already. it wasn't that clear before but after yesterday it's now as clear as daylight. sad but that's life. we don't always get what we crave for because often what we crave for isn't what we really need. looking back, i just fell for a dream. i put it on a pedestal that i failed to see the reality of it all. but i'm now ok. God could see my beginning to my end and there's no need to worry.

the friend i was with yesterday has a different type of longing. i didn't see how intense it was until i saw her cry. GOD gave us these longings for a reason, HE wants us to cling to HIM. we may or may not get what we long for but HE is still faithful. good thing that this life doesn't end here... there's a hereafter and there we will be completely happy.

my tombstone

"had DIED UNAPPRECIATED"

my amazing DAD

we've been discussing GOD as our FATHER in both my discipleship group and small group. it's really good to be reminded of who HE is and what kind of FATHER he really is if we would only give HIM a chance to be such to us.

i didn't grow up with an earthly father because mine died when i was just 12. my lolo (grandpa) was my picture of a dad when he was still alive. my lolo was a good provider but you would never hear a good word from him. his idea of encouragement was different, he would put you down and mock you just to make you stronger. he was sweet but still with a touch of mockery. and i think he never believed that i could be a somebody. that i could reach the point wherein i would be able to tend for myself. good thing my heavenly FATHER took over.

when i met my heavenly DAD things took a different turn. HE gave me hope and a future. HE's let me accomplish things that i could never do without HIS intervention. and i began to believe in me. i begun to see things differently. without HIM i don't know where i would be now.

yeah, HE is indeed amazing!

updating

wow, i haven't written for so long!

things are okay, that's why. work's fine, family's ok and so is my spiritual life. i've brought new people to church and our saturday small group at work's growing. GOD's really amazing, HE indeed knows where to bring me. we just have to trust in HIM more.

i'm kinda excited about a couple of things right now, still early to talk about it though. first one's kinda personal and the other one, material blessing. God's indeed awesome! :-)

it's a couples world!

i was at the mall yesterday wanting to buy a new wrist watch. i visited lots of stores but finally found something i really want in Guess but guess what?! u can't buy it unless you buy its partner, yeah it's a his and hers set of watches. i asked if there's anything that at least resembles that watch... NADA!

can't this world make it a little bit easier for us singles?!

scared

scared to go out on a limb but i think i should really do it. i'm about to start a small group in church, which i think has been long overdue, if only i could get my act together. i don't wanna influence those people's lives in a negative way. it's a big responsibility and whole lot of inconvenience for me. but if i really wanna serve the Lord in full time ministry later on then this will be a good training ground.

sunset

i don't know what i've done for him to hate me that much. can't we even be friends? well, if he doesn't want to then fine. and besides he's hurt me enough already for me to finally delete him from my ym list. he's not worth it. he's just a pretty face and i can't let him hurt me anymore.

one stressor less.

when answers won't come

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there will be times when prayers won't be answered and times when God will say no to my most ardent requests but in times like these it's good to know that He's just there to comfort me. it may not make sense but i know that His heart is good and that things happen, or not happen, for a reason. having HIM is comforting indeed.

ouchie

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

so they're into "it" already. it hurts alright but somehow i am still thankful that i didn't go there. but still i can't help but wonder what it's like to be there. but i should stop mulling about it, it's of no use. i know God will honor my obedience somehow.

but it's still ouchie.

bruised

2 Corinthians 4:9

persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

have had major/minor accidents last week and this is one of the results



can u tell where that bruise is? :-( but i now know what God's been telling me... and it is to just hold on to HIM. this life has many ups and downs but i'm just glad to know that i won't be here for eternity. that even if i live a hundred yrs in this planet it's still just a dot compared to the whole eternity that i'm gonna be spending with HIM, perfect body and all.

can't wait!

during my early teens i had this big crush on someone from our hometown and that crush lasted for years but i never got to talk to him. he was a family friend but we never really talked. we just watched each other and that's all there is to it. and several years forward, we finally got to talk. he's now in his 40s, i think, and we talked as if we've been friends. funny how i've changed. used to be this shy teen-ager, opinionated and yet still shy. now, i still have my insecurities reason why i act weird at times but i think i've mastered it already and people now find me witty/funny.

yeah, i've evolved.

jumbled thoughts

i don't know what to call it, should i say things are not the same as before anymore or reality's finally taking over? hmmmmm..... life's not easy. most times i don't know anymore why things has to happen the way they do but i trust my LORD. i know HE won't do anything without any reason at all. but what's the reason behind these falls? it's becoming much too frequent and i'm starting to get scared already. what's the message behind all these?

should i just stop? but i'm not the type who easily gives up. i don't wanna succumb to defeat but if i combat my fears and go on, does it automatically mean victory? isn't it called wisdom to know when to stop and when to go on? so what now; victory or wisdom? waaaaaaaaaah!

love sundays

it's been a great and productive day. had 4hrs of rest day OT last night but went home before 5am. went to church this morning, small group with the girls afterwards and then PT session right after. excited about it all.

last saturday we had a christian film showing right after work. planned it with joey but i really felt bad that i wasn't able to help him much. will make it up to him next saturday as we start the ETD session. praying for a receptive heart for the attendees. and in preparation for this our small group's simulating the ETD sessions, it's a good learning experience because we get to at least predict the what-would-be-questions. of course u can never be prepared enough, we should just do our best and leave the rest to GOD.

???

crazy to want u like this. my heart's grieving. i seldom feel like this but that's how i exactly feel right now. i wanna be seen, heard, treasured. is that too much to ask for?

SL

this has been the 3rd or 4th month that i've been feeling like this and it's getting scary already. last night i wasn't able to go to work because of it. yeah, i know i need to manage my time properly and do the sessions often. doing it once a week just won't do, it has to be more regular than that. but how do i do that? life's already so full and i'm even planning to join 2 more programs. the hours just weren't enough to do all the things that i wanna do. i wanna volunteer in our street kids ministry in church again and also join this program that i've been putting off for months already. so, which one should i do first?

meeting up with a dear friend for dinner tonight. when i got invited i knew it's gonna be a talk about something important, could it be it? looking forward to having a one on one talk, it's been long overdue. :-)

hypocrisy?

i don't know what to call it but sometimes it feels like i'm leading a double life. i sometimes say things that's so not me. well, it's not that i'm doing something that's really bad, i could say it yes but that's all there is to it...mere words! but of course that's not an excuse coz nothing unclean should come out of my mouth. GOD's been working on me when it comes to this and i'm glad to say that i've stayed on course for more than a month already. i don't wanna be tempted again and it's good that i don't see him anymore. keep it at that, Lord. pls?

grace

feeling a little bit better now physically but i still need to see a doc, i could feel that something's wrong with me. but what i'm loving now is the restored intimacy with my Savior. i just love talking and listening to Him, nothing could beat that feeling. and as i've said before and will continuously say in the future, "just give me Jesus and i'll be alright".

sometimes i tend to doubt God. i sometimes doubt if the things i believe in are all true and if it's all worth it, but when i take a good look at my life and how He's kept me all these years, how He's changed me and continually changing me i know in my heart of hearts that it's all true and it's more than worth it. there's nothing in this life worth exchanging my Jesus for. yeah, we may say that we don't do that but our choices in life show just how easy it was to exchange Him for something without even being aware of it. i am guilty of that and praying and hoping to be less and less guilty of it as time goes by.

me, negative?

i am literally hurting all over that i wanna quit already, i'm tired. but God has given me the spirit of a fighter that just wanna keep on and also i don't have that luxury, i just can't quit.

a lot of people who'd hear this would of course deem me as being negative again. they just don't know how big a spirit and amount of positivism it require to be like me. i am so tired already, is it bad to say that when it's the truth? when it's how i really feel? but in times like this i could feel God touching me, had i not been a Christian i would have given up a long time ago already. but He's there. He's my fortress, my hiding place, my anchor. Oh, how i praise You!

2009 in review

time for the year-end review... so, how was my 2009?

the year that's just gone out was a trying one but all throughout those trying moments i still saw God's hands moving. He remained faithful despite my unfaithfulness, lack of faith and disobedience. yeah He stayed faithful but what i've missed the most is the intimacy that we used to share.

so, what caused it to go? constant disobedience and my lack of time with Him. yeah, i still go to church and all but somehow i took my personal relationship with Him for granted. we've stopped talking so i've stopped hearing and listening. and i wanna rectify that this year.

career wise, though there were constant struggles it looks like God wants me to stay with my present employer. in almost 2 yrs that i've been here i was able to bring colleagues to church and that's one of the things that i thank God for. i wanna bring more souls to Christ this year.

lovelife? did it my way and i'm not proud of it. i wanna go back to where i was when God and i were still so intimate with each other. no man could ever fill the space that's meant just for Him. and what i wanna do this year is to leave all those baggages behind and go back to the Lover of my soul. i am happier with Him.

this is gonna be a better year.