don't go to Jerusalem

september's a critical month for me and my emotions. from previous entries i've alredy mentioned that i tend to become uber sensitive during my birth month. and the devil's been playing with this ... wanting me to make a big fuss out of everything and hate everybody who wouldn't speak my love language and make me feel loved and appreciated. it's scary, really! so i prayed for GOD to show me HIS love and make me feel loved, cherished and whatever mushy feeling i wanna feel.

after praying this, i opened my bible.... and this is what HE gave me;

Jeremiah 42

v 5 & 6 Then they said to Jeremiah, “May the Lord your God be a faithful witness against us if we refuse to obey whatever he tells us to do! Whether we like it or not, we will obey the Lord our God to whom we are sending you with our plea. For if we obey him, everything will turn out well for us.”

v 8-12 So he called for Johanan son of Kareah and the other guerrilla leaders, and for all the people, from the least to the greatest. He said to them, “You sent me to the Lord, the God of Israel, with your request, and this is his reply: ‘Stay here in this land. If you do, I will build you up and not tear you down; I will plant you and not uproot you. For I am sorry about all the punishment I have had to bring upon you. 11 Do not fear the king of Babylon anymore,’ says the Lord. ‘For I am with you and will save you and rescue you from his power. I will be merciful to you by making him kind, so he will let you stay here in your land.’

and the rest of the chapter goes like this;

13 “But if you refuse to obey the Lord your God, and if you say, ‘We will not stay here; 14 instead, we will go to Egypt where we will be free from war, the call to arms, and hunger,’ 15 then hear the Lord’s message to the remnant of Judah. This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: ‘If you are determined to go to Egypt and live there, 16 the very war and famine you fear will catch up to you, and you will die there. 17 That is the fate awaiting every one of you who insists on going to live in Egypt. Yes, you will die from war, famine, and disease. None of you will escape the disaster I will bring upon you there.’

18 “This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: ‘Just as my anger and fury have been poured out on the people of Jerusalem, so they will be poured out on you when you enter Egypt. You will be an object of damnation, horror, cursing, and mockery. And you will never see your homeland again.’

19 “Listen, you remnant of Judah. The Lord has told you: ‘Do not go to Egypt!’ Don’t forget this warning I have given you today. 20 For you were not being honest when you sent me to pray to the Lord your God for you. You said, ‘Just tell us what the Lord our God says, and we will do it!’ 21 And today I have told you exactly what he said, but you will not obey the Lord your God any better now than you have in the past. 22 So you can be sure that you will die from war, famine, and disease in Egypt, where you insist on going.”


i've read this passage before and i remember even posting it here but today itt gave me a different message... another proof that GOD's word is indeed alive and speaks to us. so where's the love here that i was asking from HIM. HIS way is really different. i am not a spiritual child anymore, i've been in HIS family for quite some time now and GOD knows that i don't need that much mushy stuff anymore just so i would feel loved and needed. GOD loves me, that's for sure. but instead of feeding my 'not-so-right state of mind' HE decided to give me the hard truth. just like the israelites in verses 5-8 i would often say that i would do what HE wants me to do. just an hour ago i was actually thinking of withdrawing from all gift givings and showing of love to my siblings just so i wouldn't expect anything from them anymore and i was actually harboring hatred in my heart. and what is GOD's word about hating?

one of the many verses is
Leviticus 19:17a - Do not hate your brother in your heart.

and yet i was actually contemplating on doing just that. and the rest of the chapters of Jeremiah 42 tells of the consequences of going against God's word. if i go ahead and harbor hatred in my heart, i would be the one who would suffer from it in the end. it would kill my heart, my relationship with my siblings and my testimony.

so what if they don't love me? GOD loves me and HE's there for me. and there are people there who cares... my dgroup friends love me and maybe some other people also do but they just don't know how to speak my love language.

and GOD's clear message for me today is in v 19 “Listen, you remnant of Judah. The Lord has told you: ‘Do not go to Egypt!’ Don’t forget this warning I have given you today."

egypt right now represents hatred. and yes, i won't go there.

sad news

heard from a close college friend and she told me that her marriage had already ended. i really felt bad about it and i wanna see her right now and give her a big hug. but it made me ask myself... if christian couples find it hard to make a marriage work, how would non-christians do it?

disliked

i went there with some people and ended up going home alone, really felt bad about it. i wanna keep my focus on the end goal but it's so hard to not feel bad about it. lately i feel so unappreciated, so uncared for. i know it sounds kinda childish but i'm actually thinking of transferring to another small group at work.... something like my dgroup in church. if they don't like me then what's the reason for staying?

DAD,

i really feel bad about it but please let me see the lessons that you're teaching me. i know that apart from you, nobody else would care... but knowing is different from actually feeling it. i'm already used to this, used to being alone, why does it still hurt this much?

don't let this bad feeling render me ineffective. i've been through soooo many hurts already, i could take another as long as you're with me.

secrets of the vine

i thought i won't be able to make it to the retreat because i really felt terribly sick the night before. i didn't even prepare for it anymore because there's really no way for me to get there given the way i was feeling last friday. but then i woke up before 4am (if i'm not mistaken) and even posted on my FB that i won't be able to go to the retreat coz i'm sick but then my impulsive nature got a hold of me ( or was it the Holy Spirit) and decided to call my friend, not even knowing why i was calling her. and the moment she picked up the phone she asked me if i'm already coming and i said yes. the moment we put the phone down, i took a bath, packed my things and headed straight to the door. i was even the first person to get to the meeting place.... with unmatched earrings, that is! i only got to discover it evening of the first day. fashion statement! ;-)

and boy, was i glad i attended the retreat! i've learned a lot! it brought me back to basic and that is to bear fruit for CHRIST. i used to think that bearing fruit only means winning souls for HIM, how wrong i was. bearing fruits also connote doing good works for me to glorify HIS name. there are a lot of things that struck me but i don't have time to write about it now, gotta rest first.

birthday prayer

Psalm 18:16-19

But me he caught—reached all the way
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

thank you, DAD for giving me another year! thanks so much for the blessings; for my family, friends, colleagues and ministry partners. i thank YOU even for the trials, LORD because i know that YOU won't let me suffer without a purpose. thanks a lot for the lessons learned through those hardships. i'm sorry for failing YOU over and over again. sorry for causing YOU heartaches. sorry for not doing YOUR will.
make me a better person this year, DAD. purify my heart, dear LORD. i wanna serve YOU just for the simple reason that i love you and that i want to bring more souls to you. don't let me get side tracked. don't let money, pleasure or anything that i think i need get in the way of this desire to serve YOU. give me the wisdom to know what it is that YOU really want me to do. use me, LORD. this year i wanna stop hiding. use my rarity to show the world that YOU could make a somebody completely out of a nobody. help me proclaim my rarity and not be ashamed of it. give me the courage and strength to be vulnerable, to risk being ridiculed in exchange for being loved for who i truly am. and if that man never comes, if it's not your will for me to get married, then just take away this desire, LORD. i don't want this year to be swamped with that consuming desire anymore.

but thank you so much for showing me that i could still be loved despite of who i am. thanks a lot for loving me, DAD however crooked and broken i am. i'm giving u back my life and will do it over and over again. use whatever is left of it for your glory. and if i won't be of use here anymore then just take me home. i wanna go home.

but since i'm still here, i commit to YOU yet another year of my life. use me!

???

i thought am not gonna be hit by the blues anymore, but here i am a day before my birthday and feeling kinda lonely already. what triggered the blues? who triggered it is more appropriate a term, actually.

do u really have to tell me that you're dating someone already? soooooo insensitive!

if u wanna make me feel special, the best day to do it is on my bday and if u wanna break me to pieces do it on my special day as well. and u chose the latter! :-(

remembering ANN

a friend of mine died just recently, first time that i've lost a friend through death. and though i haven't really seen her for years i still miss her... especially today. met her during the early to mid 90s i think and she was the one who consoled me during my first break-up. she's shared many of my ups and downs. she's grieved with me, was there even during my crazy days and i know that she loved me.

she died of lupus. though i extended help through financial means i never got to visit her in the hospital. she asked for me but i didn't go to her because i was scared. i don't wanna see her looking sick and all. i wouldn't know what to say to her anyways. i want her to stay healthy and alive in my mind.

i know that she's in a better place now, free of pain and suffering. and i know one day i'll see her in heaven. i know she'll be one of the persons who will be there to welcome me home :-)... can't wait for that day to come.

thinking of you just now and the many things we've been through. sorry i wasn't able to visit you but God knows i prayed, really prayed and did the best i could to be of help. though it saddens me that you're no longer here, am also relieved that you're now in a better place... free from sickness, pain, heartaches and tears. i'll see u at the pearly gates, Ann.

yeah, u could love even from a distance.

spoke too soon again

going through something right now. GOD really has HIS way of extracting what's really in our hearts. i wrote about fortune the other day, even said that it doesn't bother me that much. but after getting my salary letter and comparing it with what i could get from another company, it started to bother me.

should i leave?

idols

what is it that i really want from life? what's my utmost desire? what do i really want to ask GOD for?

according to the book that i'm currently reading, the answers to these questions are the devil's targets of temptations. the author stated that these are the biggies satan uses to get us off track; fortune, fame, power and pleasure. as a woman (speaking for myself) my desire really is not to amass great fortune nor to have power and fame, i just want to be loved the way i am... no ifs, no buts. i think it could be categorize as pleasure and this is where the devil often tricks me. for years now this is the lesson that i always fail to learn. they just have different names, different circumstances but still the same lesson, my want of pleasure. but don't get me wrong, it's not the type that's completely sexual. it's that inner desire to share everything with another person. problem is, it seems like i always pick the wrong ones.

but slowly i'm finally learning how to leave it all in God's hands. just recently my heart got broken again but it's not a major heartache only because all throughout my prayer was for GOD to hold my heart in HIS hands...to not let it go until it's already time. and HE kept to HIS word...

1 John 5:4-5 (New Living Translation)

4 For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith. 5 And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.

...and kept my heart really safe.

it's really sad how we as Christians often act as losers when we were promised in HIS word that we are victorious in HIM. may our desires/idols don't take precedence over our LORD. HE can give us more than these idols could give us.... more than the pleasure that a lover could give.

may we stay away from anything that might take GOD's place in our hearts.

Darlene Zschech - Jesus, Lover Of My Soul

this song never fails to touch my heart. it reminds me of my beginnings with HIM and how HE remains faithful despite it all. it's also a reminder that because of HIM i have something to look forward to... a bright future not only here but also in the life hereafter.

i often start my quiet time with this song especially when i feel that my heart's too far from HIM.