so darn tired :-( 

i don't know if this is something i should worry about or not but i really should start monitoring my periods. this change could be normal or something i should go to the doctor about.


which makes me ask, if this is indeed life threatening 


....what would i change in the way i live my life?

i like the new blogger's interface, it's more user friendly :-)


anyhow, i should be sleeping already but as always, sleep eludes me. there are a lot of things running in my head, nothing serious though. just thinking a lot about things.


and the dream about schatz (in my previous post), though eerie, could come true in the future ... i know, just like in the past, that once i dream of him it means something.


my talk with him last night had put some ground on that dream and it of course intensifies the longing but it made me question myself also. what is it in him really? he's not someone spectacular. there's nothing special about his looks. he's just an ordinary guy but why do i love him so? 

somebody to hold

nov 12 dream

had another vivid dream of schatz and even if i wake up the dream would continue where it left off once i doze off again once i've noticed that he's there and kinda watching me, the scene jumped to us being in the hospital and him lying on the bed. i was the one taking care of up him; feeding him and everything. we were eventually sent home but though we're already home i was still the one feeding him

it's heart wrenching and only verified the fact that i indeed do love him still.

downcast

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined unto me and heard my cry.

==================

i feel down, i don't know why. i think looking at betsy's shots triggered it. i wanna see the colors of autumn, DAD. will i ever see it in this lifetime? i wanna see it, smell it, feel it and touch it. sometimes it feels like nothing's ever gonna change in my life. i feel bored. busy but bored.

you're my only hope, DAD. don't leave me. i feel so alone.

names

stop putting labels on your emotions. feel what you must but don't give it a name because if u do u'r just cherishing something that doesn't need to be cherished... such us unrequited love. i've thought of this the other day and put it into practice and i think this is effective.

it's quite logical, whenever u give something a name it means it's important and that you're planning to keep it forever. and if u want to keep something forever you would nourish and cherish it. what if it doesn't wanna stay? so just to save urself from too much pain, just treat it as any other emotions. just let it come and go and don't call it anything!

it's my day!

it's my birthday today and it's been a good one, i must say. yesterday i went to tagaytay with a dear friend and bought lots of stuff. today, my cousin's family and my bro's family together with our moms had dinner here at my place.

though i already know what the answer will be i still tried to invite schatz. i should really move on. that one's already a no go. it'll be hard because 7 yrs is 7 yrs. GOD's with me though and i know He'll see me through.

so, what's my birthday resolution? I WANNA BE MYSELF. AND I WANNA SAY, "THE HELL I CARE WITH THEM!" not in a bad way, of course. but i think i've cared too much about what other people would think of me that i kinda became enslaved to them already without them knowing it. i don't wanna fake self confidence anymore. i really wanna have it this time.

as i was telling you about the temple grandin story on my other post, i wanna be like her. i wanna be proud of my limitations. i want people to see God's strength through my weakness. i really shouldn't be wasting that opportunity.

help me, FATHER to put this into practice gradually. and lastly, thanks a lot for everything!

cancelled

birthday plans cancelled because i got sick. anyways, it's all good. i got the rest i needed. and been watching tv for the past few days. one story that really enthralled me was temple grandin's story. she's autistic but it didn't prevent her from being successful. one of the lines that got into me was, "Different, not less."

Day 1

i've been thinking of what to do for my birthday and then this idea entered my mind... i would date the people who've made a great impact on my life from sept 1 till the day of my birthday. and day 1 of course would be with the LOVER OF MY SOUL... My Lord and Savior.

He has given me a rich life. i may not be rich when it comes to monetary value but HE has filled my life with experiences and lessons that the others could only observe and not experience fully. what i should pray for then is how i could use it for HIS glory, to put it in good use.

Teach me, LORD. reach into my very soul and extract from it what You could use. I am here, send me.