sighs

I need a home, Lord...literally & figuratively. Please?

downcast

So lonely I could die.

ouchie

I don't know why a mere sight of him hurts me so much. I know I don't love him. Was it regret then for the what-could-have-beens had I caved in? Oh, help me God! Let this feeling drive me to my knees and not into his arms. I know what kind of person he is. He may be one of the most gorgeous guys I know but that's just it. I deserve better not because I'm great but only because I'm the princess of my King. Instill this in my heart, Lord, for me not to go astray.

glad that I've got You

freedom

i love being 40.... i feel lighter, freer and more confident for some reason. 

dream and heartaches

had a dream yesterday wherein i had to undergo 3 major heart surgeries, one after the other and the ones performing the surgery were my aunts. what's weird was the one who's with me and consoling me was someone from work whom i wasn't even interested in and that person admitted to not liking me at all. weird!

anyhow, my interpretation of that dream;

i have had 3 major heartaches in my entire life  wherein the persons involved hurt me so badly. had a relationship with the 2 of them but love left their hearts way before it left mine and the last one, whom i think was my ultimate love (high school) didn't even feel 'that way' towards me.  i really need to have a heart overhaul. i need to offer this area of my life back to God.

updates

sept 21

i haven't been blogging much since i got here and i kinda miss it. i used to have my way with words (i think) but i've lost it. i still read a lot though because iif i don't my mind's gonna rot.

i'm starting to like living in a condo though at times  i feel so out of touch with the world but i love not having to worry about floods, wall and roof leaks, etc.  I kinda love the privacy it gives, the peace and quietness of it but it gets lonely at times. 

i have yet to invite sunshine over. it'd be easier since it's just a stone throw away from where we work. hmmmm... temptation!

been singing the same song for almost 5 years now, time to change the tune.

  

============== 

sept 15

made it to the top of the hill and now life has just begun. or has it?  i didn't have the birthday blues a week before my bday and that used to be the norm.  i celebrated with some close friends and the family. though i wanted someone to surprise me, i think i haven't lived the first part of my life well enough for me to deserve such.

so what's my birthday wish? to have a more gracious, forgiving and loving heart. for starters, i've patched things up with the girls (kate & ate vi)  and decided to go back to the group. will join them again next sunday.

hopefully and with God's help the next half of my life would be better lived. 

here's to good days ahead!!!

new abode for the next....

decided to move here where it's just a stone throw away from work

and the ultimate tear jerker



i'm so buying the album!

scary emotions

yeah, i go crazy when i'm in love and this song's a great reminder, or should i say a warning, that i shouldn't let my heart go oh so easily. it's been bruised and trampled on in the past. those past relationships, pseudo or real, really hurt me so badly that i told myself that i won't ever ever let my heart get that hurt again and i never really fell head over heels in love since i made that pact with myself. i really got scared i think that i became careful, too careful perhaps that i never really fell in love since schatz. have i become hard-hearted in the process?    

worth remembering

read this from a friend's post in my FB

"When your flaws are stitched together with good intentions, your flaws make you beautiful. It’s better to be true to yourself and risk being ridiculed by others, than to be false, and miss out on the beauty of being YOU. Accept no one’s definition of your life, except your own."

schatz

i am again being reminded of schatz for days now. it's been  almost 6 mos since we've last communicated. much as i don't want to admit it, he's still the one i wanna marry given the choice. he was actually right in saying that i don't know him that well yet, but what i know of him was already enough for me to want to be with him in this lifetime. i love him still.

but i have to move on... i already wasted more than 6 years waiting for him and i don't want another 6 years of futile waiting.

ahhh

sometimes if u'r single u tend to forget that u have a heart

because u don't feel it beating...

good thing there's Sunshine

to look beyond...

.... my incapabilities, to see what i am actually good at
....today towards a better tomorrow
...a pretty face, to see what's really in the person's soul
....what's obvious, to see the essence of it all.


i really have to rethink this life over

wishing

that God would be after my happiness instead of my character.... even for just a while. :-( 

what's this?

i won our never ending battles and nothing bad happened  but i so wanna cry. i don't like this feeling at all. my whole body feels like it's on fire. slept for just 2 hrs since yesterday, haven't had any decent food either but it feels like i could last another day without eating nor drinking. and it feels like i've got springs on my feet. what's this?

first the thank you and now this;


"sorry if you see it that way. im just depressed right now. medyo madami lang ako problems that i cant seem to resolve at the moment. di naman ako always ok. there are times that my bad side comes out when im not ok..."


i'm really liking the vulnerable side of him. 
 

we've known each other for years and if i'm not mistaken today's the first time i got a 'thanks' from him. soooooo unexpected. don't know where this is headed but i'm willing to take the risk....clock's ticking. 


my world's really getting smaller coz i'm losing some people. people who were really dear to me. that's life, u really just have to let go and move on. 


for now my world's full of  Sunshine ;-) i think it's not just lust anymore.... am i falling? 

waaaaah

i'm going crazy, this is not good. i shouldn't be that reactive! everything's still ok. 

good read

7 Questions to Help You Get Unstuck

MARCH 8, 2012 IN GROWING STRATEGIES,LEADERSHIP WITH 1 COMMENT

Feeling stuck? Here are the key questions you need to answer to help you get from here to there.

1. Where are we going? This is the vision question. You can’t get unstuck until you know where you want to be. If we don’t answer this question, we tend to stay mired in our current circumstances.
2. Why are we going there? This is the values question. The values and principles behind the “why” will provide the purpose and passion to pursue the vision.
3. Who will go with us? This is the people question. Who will be on the team? Who will take the lead? From my experience, “who” should always precede “how.”
4. How will we get there? This is the strategy question. Until you answer this question, you may have many people who buy into the vision but are left stuck guessing what to do.
5. What do we have available? This is the resources question. How much will it cost? How much time will we need? What physical space is required?
6. Did we make it there? This is the measures question. People and organizations who are stuck typically avoid answering this question honestly. They’re content to stay stuck or whine about their situation.
7. Where are we going next? This is the re-vision question. There are plenty of organizations who have previously experienced success and then failed to answer this question. They’re the one-hit wonders.

These questions can help individuals who feel like they’re stuck in life. They can help organizations who are stuck. They can help people who feel stuck in their relationships (dating, marriage, parenting, etc.).

If you don’t happen to be the boss, figure out what you can change within the freedoms you do have. Start there. Change what you can change.

And if you claim to be a leader, don’t blame your boss (or your wife or your kids or your coach…). It’s not going to help you to whine about your circumstances. Not only is it not very becoming, it also just reinforces your level of stuckness.

i'm still down in the dumps and it's been going on for more than a week already. i hope it's just pre and post menstrual syndrome. i don't like feeling this way; i'm being so sensitive and that's not totally me! and because of this i haven't spoken with my brother for weeks now for no apparent reason. am i going crazy? hehe


i hope i'm not burnt out. i've been calling in sick for 3 days now and i'm getting bored. but though i'm getting bored i still don't wanna go back to work. where do i find the motivation to go back to work again. i really don't wanna work anymore. but where will i get the money if i do stop working? i really hope harvest would be great come april/may, so sunshine and i could finally start our partnership.


speaking of which, is it really a good idea? lately, we've been texting constantly and he even gave me his second number. i'm really getting too excited about this but i'm still having second thoughts about everything. do i really wanna be that close to him? i know i'm courting disaster here but people change, don't they? 


awwww, all i could think of these past weeks is sunshine's oh-so-perfect-face.

will He accept me in heaven if i commit suicide?

i'm depressed. i really wanna leave this world already. i hate my family, they cause me nothing but pain. i wish for death to come knocking at my door tonight. i wanna rest.

i know i shouldn't even consider doing it but i must admit it's kinda thrilling. makes me glow, according to a colleague. 


i'm courting disaster! 

had a long talk with sunshine last night and yes he's still alive ! i know it's nothing but raging "whatever" but i also know that given some attention it could lead to something else. and i don't like it! 


እ ሾዑልድ ንፕ ትህስ እን ትሄ ቡድ

so darn tired :-(