our relationship

how long have i been with YOU? years! and it's been the most glorious years of my life; full of ups and downs but joyful nevertheless. i get frustrated and disappointed with YOU and i know that YOU're doubly disappointed at me but despite it all i'm 101% sure that YOU still love me. i am sorry that i don't talk to YOU as much as i should, that i disobey YOU most of the time. sorry for taking YOU for granted knowing that YOU'll just be there no matter what.

but i really thank YOU for being so patient and forgiving. thanks because i know at the end of the day YOU'll be there. thanks for YOUR presence in my life... without YOU everything would be empty and i won't be able to do this thing called "life".

i love you, my JESUS and Happy Birthday!

life

so how have i been?

i'm dissatisfied with work already. i do like my company but not the project that i'm currently on. i wanna be transferred to a different project but HR won't let me and it sucks.tired of doing this type of job already, i wanna break free!

hard-headed me

i know so well that it's for my good if i spend time with you and obey your will in my life. i know it not just based on other people's experiences nor was it just because i've read it somewhere, i knew it based on my experiences with u. how u've carried me through, how life's much too peaceful when everything's ok with us. but why do i still wander away from you?

happy

so i'm staying with my company but transferring to a different account. YEY! sick & tired of my current account already, soooooo stressful. i promise to do better on this one. :-)

a rainbow within the storm

it's been a decade, give or take, that we haven't been hit by flood so we're really not prepared for it. well, nobody could ever prepare for something that's as big as this. in fact this calamity's been an equalizer of social status, both rich and poor were affected by the said flooding. it's all over the metro and some provinces nationwide.

i just got out of the office when the heavy rain started falling so i decided to just go to starbucks with 2 of my colleagues to while away the time but it never stopped falling. so come 11am we decided to go to the nearest mall and stayed there till evening. since i couldn't go home anymore decided to spend the night at a friend's condo. went to church in the morning and was finally able to go home in the afternoon. what welcomed me was beyond description, my room's in complete chaos. but through it all i didn't feel bad, i know God has a reason for all these.

auf wiedersehen...Bis ich Sie wieder sehe

back... haven't been updating much lately because i'm so busy living life. hehe!

anyways, i'm now ??! and actually got a bit shock when my period became erratic these past 2 months. am i nearing menopause? it's a scary thought, actually. not just because i still wanna have kid/s of my own but it's a big wake-up call that i'm really not young anymore. with that thought in mind, i'm actually thinking of adopting a baby already. should i or should i not? it'll be a big responsibility, i know but when will i start? when i'm already in my 40s? it's in my prayer lists.... i wanna make sure that it is within the LORD's will for me to take in another life into my so-called existence.

the LORD has been doing things in my heart lately and if things keep at its course i will be totally free from years of bondage. and this i've learned, bondage doesn't mean you're addicted to something that is bad... it could actually take the form of holiness or something that "U THINK" will be good for u, but of course our FATHER knows best. that's why it took me years to get over it, because i thought that that's the best thing that could happen to me. but i have to let go of that thought. i have to tell myself that maybe there's something better than what i thought is best for me. our LORD can give me another story that is also pretty interesting to tell over and over again. that's what i want, LORD... a beautiful story, something that u Yourself had written.

it actually feels good to let go of it!

HIS guidance

“Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, Who leads you in the way you should go.” (Isaiah 48:17)

this is so true... just when i thought i'm already out there and sailing away from what is real, HE rescued me and led me back to the right direction. it's been a rough ride, it still is, but HE's with me and i'm sure HE'll carry me through.

the mini retreat i've had with my friends helped a lot. their lives are good example how great our GOD is and that i shouldn't trade HIM with something that is too temporal. i wanna reclaim my post in GOD's army and fight this battle that had so easily entangled me.

some might ask, what for? why not enjoy life and make the most of what's in front of u? had i not known CHRIST and HIS goodness, love, mercy and grace i might have done just that... but since my eyes had been opened already, i know that there's more to life than temporary pleasures. there's more to life than money, relationship and fame. we're not meant to live here forever. this is just a fraction, even less, of eternity. so the life that will come after this is what we should prepare for... this world is just our training ground. nothing of what we have here will last.

hmmmm....

could it be i'm falling in love? NO! i don't wanna be in that boat again. i don't want my emotions to take control of me. i wanna be free from that debilitating feeling. i'm scared. i'm sad. here i go again! SEE?! i don't want that.

When God Made You

It's always been a mystery to me
How two hearts can come together
And love can last forever
But now that I have found you, I believe
That a miracle has come
When God sends the perfect one

Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

chorus:
I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you
With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know
I'll let nothing come between us
I'll love what ever you love

chorus:

He made the sun He made the moon
to harmonise in perfect tune
One can't move without the other
They just have to be together
And that is why I know it's true
You're for me and I'm for you
Cause my world just can't be right
Without you in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
He must have heard every prayer I've been praying
Yes, He knew everything I would need
When God made you
When dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me.

may i always be reminded of this song... for me not to keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again, it's tiring!

my beacon

i bumped into someone yesterday, someone who has caused me lots of sleepless nights and ire in the past. but those feelings had already disappeared years ago and so when she approached me yesterday i felt sheer delight in seeing her again especially upon knowing that she's already getting married. it would've been nice if we could linger and talk but she's got plans already.

i of course told Schatz about bumping into her but then we didn't talk much about her. u know what, whenever i talk to Schatz it's a totally different feeling. without him in my life i wouldn't even know how to start extracting myself out from the mess i would've gotten myself into. i told him he's my beacon and he didn't refute it.

whys

call it crazy but sometimes u tend to do things that are pointless but much as u wanna stop, u couldn't. u know it's already futile to continue but still u keep on. when do u get out of that pit-hole? when do u know when u've had enough of the same shit already?

arise!

slowing things down

i'm coming down with a flu, i hate being sick but i think this is just a reminder that i need to slow things down. things at work had been quite erratic lately. don't get me wrong, i like where i work and i'm proud to be part of a globally known company. it's just that sometimes the management sucks! they don't care much about their people, not all, of course, but the higher-up's like a slave driver.




hay.... i wanna have a week of complete rest.

vicious cycle

heard from him and it gave me that longing again. what's in this for me? NOTHING! why can't i let it go then? we can never be just friends... that's already clear. if we don't stop it'll lead to something again and it'll just be a vicious cycle. we've got nothing in common and i don't think it'll work even if we give it another try. and i don't wanna be unfair to him, i don't want him to trade somebody that could be on it for the long haul already for somebody who's not even sure of what she really wants. he can't trade in something that's so real for something that is flimsy.

we've talked about it already and he has a point. i can't have him make that choice i myself am not sure of what i really want. am i willing to make the necessary sacrifices? will it work this time? do i really love him?

this is an addiction that needs to be curb.

clean-up

GOD's spring-cleaning my life. this is gonna be a long process.

Angels & Demons

i slept during the first part of the movie but all in all it's a good one but the character of Tom Hanks was just too good to be true. anyways, what struck me was the line of the cardinal

"religions are flawed because people are flawed.."

true indeed. so, we shouldn't base our faith on religion nor on people.

affected

there's this heaviness in my heart because i know his days in the office are already numbered, in fact yesterday could be his last day already. well, i could still talk to him and all but i would really miss seeing him almost everyday... it's not gonna be the same at work without him.

but i'll get used to it somehow, it's not going anywhere anyways and besides i'm not really sure whether i want it to go somewhere or not. he's a big ass! but how come i still believe that he's got something good inside of him? i don't know! he's making me act weird. i never thought he would have this too big an effect on me.

my heart is sad.

help!

hope i could talk to u and get to know u better. but do i really want to be that emotionally intimate with u? you'll be a major heartache if i keep at this... oh GOD, i wanna get over this craziness.

thoughts

i've recently watched a movie, what i liked most about it was how the characters say what's exactly in their minds. it's refreshing, it's uncomplicated. but will it be so in real life? will it be better for us if we all speak our minds? will it lessen confusions? i think what it will actually do is strengthen us emotionally because we've got no choice but to face facts. yeah, we will all be hurt at first but then it's also liberating to know that you could also tell that person how you feel without any inhibitions and all.

if i were to practice it i would start with Mr. Sungit. missed him so much last night. k, that's it for now... gotta prepare for work and it's raining here like there's no tomorrow. need to leave early for work.

missed writing.

BB

burned-out = busy yet bored

that's how i exactly feel lately. my life's full of activities and yet i'm still bored and i don't think that filling it with more activities will solve the problem. i need something different, something new.

and i'm getting restless but losing my guts again.... even avoiding that one person that i'm so attracted to.

where do i go from here?

circumstantial obedience

that term just came into mind while i was talking to GOD about the office guy. yes, i obeyed but in reality i was just forced to do it... when GOD intervened i had no choice but to obey. i wanna reach that point in my christian life that i would obey GOD no matter what. that i would always choose HIS way even if it already hurts, even if it doesn't make sense at the moment.

still a long way to go....

don't You get tired?

HE again saved me from my foolishness... HE again intervened! though i've told HIM many times in the past to let me go have my way even for a while, HE loves me sooo much not to grant that request. it's because HE knows that i'll just be hurt in the end... that i'll just regret it and that the consequences of that foolish decision will stay with me for a long time. good thing HE again took control even if i oh so want to rebel. i was already on the verge of creating a big mistake, glad HE took over. my friends' prayers helped including schatz's. yeah, we're in touch again and he really is a beacon... he should be a permanent fixture in my life.

questions

i wish i could answer your questions directly... i wish i know how.

i hate having to feel this way again. knowing what's right and yet not wanting to do it. fighting the wrong battle and keeping at it though fully aware that i'm on the losing end. why do i do this to myself?

this is really insane! and i'm sooooo losing my head

tired

... of being out there and yet going nowhere
... of always making the wrong moves
... of not handling my cards right
... of having my hands tied
... of waiting
...... dreaming
...... wanting

typing my jumbled thoughts away

(mitzi, i know you'd go through this entry again thinking that i didn't follow your advice of using capital letters and all. sorry, my friend but this is my blogging style. don't worry i know how to do it the proper way. i just love the liberty of typing as thoughts come into my head without thinking whether i'm doing it the proper way or not. so, bear with me Ma'am ;-p )


lately i've been thinking if i really wanna get married. i so love the feeling of waking up just with this




i love the freedom of not having to cook or tend to anybody but then isn't that selfishness? i know time will come when i would want to be with someone for good, to wake up with him and all but for now let me bask on this liberty and bliss called SINGLENESS.

update on quint, we had a short talk last night and we got confused about our scheduled 'date'. the last time we talk he asked for my work sched and he gave me his, so we set a date on when we would see each other again but then we got mixed up. i didn't know that we were supposed to see each other yesterday until he told me last night. good thing he got tied up on something that he also couldn't make it to our set date, he said sorry and i said ok not letting him know that i didn't even know that we had a date. hehehe

i know him too well, i know that it would make him feel bad that i forgot. quint and i have known each other for close to 5 years already (but he keeps on saying that it's 20) and boy we've been through a lot. i left him twice for schatz, he took me back the first time i did it but the second time there's no way for me to come back anymore but we've never lost touch. so what's our status now? it's complicated! we both say that we still love each other but for now it's not wise for us to go into a relationship again. not the type that we once had. it's tiring, frustrating, mind-boggling, etc. so i'd rather keep things this way, OPEN.

besides, i've got lots of stuff going on in my life right now. i just need a guy when things are slow (am i bad?!) nah, just being realistic. where will i put him with the current activities? and i'm ok. i'm happy. my sister who just left for FL just over a month ago to get married is already saying that she's having a hard time already. she's thinking that she and the guy might not last. isn't that sad? it's just been over a month and she's already having those thoughts. do i want that type of heartache? yeah, i get lonely at times but it's so easy to get over that sense of sadness but it's different when you're married to it ;-p.

is this GOD's way of preparing me for singleness? getting me to accept facts with a peaceful heart. but u know what my primary struggle will be? it's the physical longing of the deepest kind. i am a full-blooded-passionate-female. and i'm not ashamed to admit that i love doing it. how do i deal with that if i remain single?

my Quinty

i am still so into him, that i discovered. he could still make my eyes shine and my smile sparkle. he makes me feel beautiful just by the way he looks at me. and it looks like we're gonna see more of each other again and then he said....

"I LOVE YOU, Baby."

whew

life's a gazillion of things to do. i was awake for 48 hours straight but i'm happy, fulfilled even. yeah, i have a full life and i've got GOD to thank for all that. GOD's really good and it amazes me how HE works. for one, i've this friend whom i've been inviting to church for years already that we often argue about it. so, i stopped asking her to come with me but she knows of my activities and all. then out of the blue sometime last month she sent me a message telling me that she's now willing to come to church with me. and so she did and she liked it! she's even willing to meet and have lunch with my church friends.

my prayer now is that it reaches her heart and not just her head. i once read that the farthest distance is the one from the head to the heart. what do i mean, well u could know about my belief, JESUS and could even memorize the bible but if it doesn't give u the desire to have a personal relationship with HIM then it's all for nothing. it will just be all head knowledge and that won't do a thing for u at all.

i'm looking forward to the day when she'll get to experience what it's like to have that relationship with my Savior.

next?

yesterday another one of my friends walked down the aisle. it was surreal! us girls all got misty-eyed because of joy. the couple's testimony and love story were indeed proof that this is God's doing. since they're both in the music ministry their wedding's like a musical. they were singing a duet while the bride walks down the aisle. romantic indeed! and i liked the couple's first dance also, it's not the traditional type. had fun!

but one of the things that struck me about the ceremony was when the pastor said that marriage is not just a contract, it's a covenant. what's the difference? contract could be voided, could be discontinued whereas a covenant's forever. u stay with each other no matter what. yeah, marriage is a point of no return. that's why marriage is not for everybody.

made me wonder if i should keep on with Schatz, should i? of all the guys that came into my life he's the one who has led me to a closer walk with GOD despite the arguments and all. marrying him would be like a celebration of our FATHER's goodness and how HE has answered a long time prayer, how HE has given a heart desire of many years.

i wonder how he's doing. his old bestfriend's back from england already and it's enough to make the old fear resurface. but why would i be scared? my friend's story is a good example that if you're meant to be together, God will do something about it. but of course GOD deals with each one of us differently.

so, who's gonna be next now?

DEATH!

my sis-in-law's dad passed away just yesterday, it was quite a shock to all of us because it's so sudden. i really felt bad and saddened because her dad and mom were about to have their dreams come true. they bought a new house in the country side and were really excited about moving there come summer. the dad's quite excited that he has moved in there already as early as latter part of last year and then THIS!

but who are we to question this? death has its purpose and it's a reality check for us who's been left behind. till when are we gonna live? when will be our last day on earth? how are we gonna die? will it be sudden? have a lived good enough for others to miss me? have i done enough for my Lord? if not i then who's gonna be next to go to the grave? if the one who's going next is close to me, a relative or a friend... have i shown that person enough care? have i shown that person that he's/she's loved? these are just some of the questions that i've asked myself when i've learned of his death.

really, we could leave this life anytime... i could leave even now. am i ready for it though? are u?

spiritually speaking, yes i am ready. it's not because i'm good nor i've sinned less than the others. i'm still a sinner but one that's been saved by my Savior. i'm confident enough, due to HIS mercy and grace, that i'm gonna be with HIM when i die and quite frankly, i'm looking forward to that already. but not yet....

though my soul's already in HIS care i have yet to correct so many things with the way i live life. i ought to show more love to those around me. i have to lead others to CHRIST. i don't wanna be asking myself if someone close to me dies whether that person's soul is secure or not. i don't wanna have regrets just because it's already too late for me to show that person that she's/he's loved. tears, flowers, etc won't make that person feel loved anymore. so i better take action now.

last sunday a colleague went with me to church but even before that we've already discussed people's beliefs over a cup of coffee. and u know what's wrong with us people? we've forgotten how to think! we've become soooo lazy that we don't want to search for what's true anymore. we've forgotten how to ask significant questions already. we let people dictate to us what we should believe in. i told him that i don't want him to accept my beliefs just because i told him to or it looks good and sounds good. i want him to think. to search for the truth on his own. i hope he does that.

i remember reading somewhere that 'your belief or faith will only be real once u've started questioning it".

WEIGH!

busy beeee

busy life! how can a man fit in? juggling my time with work, raket, friends, church and what-nots! i need a holiday away from all the hustle and bustle of every day life. and the bridal shower party we just had was a welcome break indeed though i wish i never had to leave early. well, there will be more of that in our circle. hmmm.... how many more left now? supposed to be 5 or 6 (if i'm not mistaken) but then whenever someone has to leave then someone else would come along. but it's really good to see each one of us leaving and going to another chapter in life... knowing that it's the right kind of relationship, with the right guy and that it is GOD's doing. we also got kinda misty eyed during the bridal shower because just a few years back it was just a dream and now it's just a few days away to reality. GOD is indeed good and HE's true to HIS promises.

well, maybe some of us will end up single in this life time but i know and i believe that when that time comes GOD will give us the peace that passes all understanding and that we will accept it with joy in our hearts. HE knows better, remember. my battle cry has always been, "it's better to be single and alone than be married to the wrong one." now, i've got to instill that in my mind.

i've been hearing news about the office guy telling me not to go ahead with it and that he's just a waste of time and all. i know i should listen. i have to listen. GOD has preserved me for so long, molding me and all and i shouldn't waste all that just because his eyes are to-die-for and his good looks could send chills all over my body. can u get any shallower than that? hahaha

i've been bought with a price, i should be priceless and wise in my decision makings. help me, GOD!

how's life?

i've got no reason to complain, really. work's ok, got my oh so lovely friends, i have a GOD that's so gracious and faithful and though there's still no love life in the horizon somehow the ofc guy and i are ok again which brings excitement to my every day in the office. his eyes make me want to melt on my seat. gorgeous indeed!

but i'm not in love, i don't want to fall again. i'm more careful now! if i could just take the image of those eyes off of my mind, i'd sleep better but for now they haunt me!

miracles do happen

just when everybody thought that it could never happen, it did. made it! clean slate again... yahoo!

thanks, DAD!

caffeine overdose

i should be sleeping by now but after 3 tall glasses of iced-tea and a big cup of coffee, who could sleep? i had a date with the girls again for the 2nd part of our dg planning, first part was last sunday. we could've finished it last sunday if not for the endless stories, eating and other kakiyans.but it was fun because there are new characters in annie's and kate's lives. that's something! it's high time for that because it's a new year already, we should leave the ghosts of years past behind.

tonight's meeting was equally fun though there's a touch of sadness when we had to tell annie our points of view about the recent happening in her life. well, it's better to nip it in the bud... we don't want her to get terribly hurt in the end. i could see the pain in her eyes as early as now, even when nothing's happening yet. there's no future with that guy unless our DAD changes the guy's heart but annie shouldn’t have been involved in that process. we should stop having this 'messianic attitude'. if he's meant to be saved then DAD will do something about it and HE doesn't need our help on that especially if our heart's the one that's at stake. yeah, we should get involved in bringing other people to Christ but it's on a case to case basis. like for example in annie's situation, it's better to just introduce the guy to some of her guy friends and let them lead him to GOD because if she's the one who'll do it she'll be putting her heart on the line... what if the guy doesn't want to have that relationship with GOD? she'll just get hurt in the end because it will not do her any good if she keeps on with the relationship.

some would say that we're being judgmental here, that things could still work even if they have different beliefs/faith. true, it could work but if your relationship with GOD is the most important part of your being and if u love HIM like u say u do then u wouldn't want to hurt HIM by being a disobedient daughter. and HE gave us this commandment for our own protection.... there's a consequence for every choice that we make and some of the consequences of marrying somebody who doesn't have the same belief or doesn't have a close relationship with GOD are these;

1) when you're excited about what GOD has done in your life or what HE's currently doing you won't be able to discuss it with him because he won't know what you're talking about

2) it's good to grow with the LORD with someone u love

3) raising the kids; if u two have different beliefs then where would the kids go on sunday?


well, these are just some of the issues that u would encounter if you go for someone who doesn't have the same relationship with ur GOD.

and i cried and cried and cried

i was never good with letting go and it's true what they say, you'll never realize how important someone is until that person's already gone. and i never thought i would miss her this much. and i worried a lot too. i never stopped praying for God to keep her safe coz she's traveling alone. she's never been alone all her life and now she's going to a different country on her own.

yes, i'm missing my sister soooo much that i can't help but cry every time i see her stuffs lying around. nobody would criticize me anymore, no one to tell stories to when i get home, no more squabbles, no more waiting in line to use the bathroom, etc. but i'm happy for her as well, if only i could get past this melancholic stage fast.

in retrospect, i really wish i would've done more for her. spent more, hugged her more, etc. u see, i might not see her again. :-( pls Lord, let me see her again.

sickly

been having fever on and off since last wednesday, so i finally went and saw a doctor yesterday only to confirm my self-diagnosis, Urinary Tract Infection. and have u heard of hospital's certain SOP's, can't u say no to those sometimes weird ones? like for example having me take a pregnancy test? i was like, "What?" i know i'm not doing anything that should require me to take one but the doctor still insisted saying that it's the hospital's SOP. when the nurse got the result she even went to me and said, "Ma'am, it's negative!" I then said, "Of course!" and laughed, couldn't help it coz having me take one is already absurd.

oh well, i really wish i could have at least 3 more days of bed rest before i get back to work but unfortunately the doctor only advised to take a day though he asked me if i wanna be admitted. if not for the gazillion of things that i need to finish i would've said yes. but on second thought, i should've said yes since i'm not gonna pay for anything anyways and i could bring my laptop there and be able to finish everything.

tsk....tsk.

coming to terms

it's not that i got tired of waiting already and no, i'm not giving up just yet but now i wanna put things on their proper perspective. i don't wanna waste anymore time wondering when the dream will come. i don't wanna muse about it any more than i've already done in the past years. it's becoming overstated. talking about it just makes it bigger than it really is. instead of talking about what we don't have or what we thought we're missing why not count the things or the privileges that we have being the way we are. say if you're waiting for years already why not count the things that you were able to accomplish just because you're in the state that you're in right now.

had you been married, would you be able to enjoy the friends that you now have? will u even meet them? will u be able to buy that gadget that oh u so want? or will u even know how to use one? won't we go crazy taking care of the kids and a husband without having some time for myself? will he even give u time to be out and go home whenever u want to? am i ready to forgo that freedom?

some may think that i'm just bitter or jaded that's why i'm saying all these... nah, i'm trying to come to terms with my being single. and honestly i don't think i'm soooo ready for the chaos that married life is.

don't get me wrong, i still want to get married someday but i won't muse much about that day anymore. FATHER knows best... HE knows when's the best time to give HIS daughter away.

for now, i should try and enjoy the freedom and the serenity that single life brings.

new beginnings

new year, another clean slate. this time's my reminiscing time though; so what do i have to thank GOD for in 2008? a lot! my job, new and old friends, good health, financial, material and spiritual blessings and of course MY GOD. one thing i've realized, no matter how much financial and material blessings you have if your relationship with GOD is not good you can never be happy.

so for this year i'm going back to basic.