i don't know if this is something i should worry about or not but i really should start monitoring my periods. this change could be normal or something i should go to the doctor about.


which makes me ask, if this is indeed life threatening 


....what would i change in the way i live my life?

i like the new blogger's interface, it's more user friendly :-)


anyhow, i should be sleeping already but as always, sleep eludes me. there are a lot of things running in my head, nothing serious though. just thinking a lot about things.


and the dream about schatz (in my previous post), though eerie, could come true in the future ... i know, just like in the past, that once i dream of him it means something.


my talk with him last night had put some ground on that dream and it of course intensifies the longing but it made me question myself also. what is it in him really? he's not someone spectacular. there's nothing special about his looks. he's just an ordinary guy but why do i love him so? 

somebody to hold

nov 12 dream

had another vivid dream of schatz and even if i wake up the dream would continue where it left off once i doze off again once i've noticed that he's there and kinda watching me, the scene jumped to us being in the hospital and him lying on the bed. i was the one taking care of up him; feeding him and everything. we were eventually sent home but though we're already home i was still the one feeding him

it's heart wrenching and only verified the fact that i indeed do love him still.

downcast

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined unto me and heard my cry.

==================

i feel down, i don't know why. i think looking at betsy's shots triggered it. i wanna see the colors of autumn, DAD. will i ever see it in this lifetime? i wanna see it, smell it, feel it and touch it. sometimes it feels like nothing's ever gonna change in my life. i feel bored. busy but bored.

you're my only hope, DAD. don't leave me. i feel so alone.

names

stop putting labels on your emotions. feel what you must but don't give it a name because if u do u'r just cherishing something that doesn't need to be cherished... such us unrequited love. i've thought of this the other day and put it into practice and i think this is effective.

it's quite logical, whenever u give something a name it means it's important and that you're planning to keep it forever. and if u want to keep something forever you would nourish and cherish it. what if it doesn't wanna stay? so just to save urself from too much pain, just treat it as any other emotions. just let it come and go and don't call it anything!

it's my day!

it's my birthday today and it's been a good one, i must say. yesterday i went to tagaytay with a dear friend and bought lots of stuff. today, my cousin's family and my bro's family together with our moms had dinner here at my place.

though i already know what the answer will be i still tried to invite schatz. i should really move on. that one's already a no go. it'll be hard because 7 yrs is 7 yrs. GOD's with me though and i know He'll see me through.

so, what's my birthday resolution? I WANNA BE MYSELF. AND I WANNA SAY, "THE HELL I CARE WITH THEM!" not in a bad way, of course. but i think i've cared too much about what other people would think of me that i kinda became enslaved to them already without them knowing it. i don't wanna fake self confidence anymore. i really wanna have it this time.

as i was telling you about the temple grandin story on my other post, i wanna be like her. i wanna be proud of my limitations. i want people to see God's strength through my weakness. i really shouldn't be wasting that opportunity.

help me, FATHER to put this into practice gradually. and lastly, thanks a lot for everything!

cancelled

birthday plans cancelled because i got sick. anyways, it's all good. i got the rest i needed. and been watching tv for the past few days. one story that really enthralled me was temple grandin's story. she's autistic but it didn't prevent her from being successful. one of the lines that got into me was, "Different, not less."

Day 1

i've been thinking of what to do for my birthday and then this idea entered my mind... i would date the people who've made a great impact on my life from sept 1 till the day of my birthday. and day 1 of course would be with the LOVER OF MY SOUL... My Lord and Savior.

He has given me a rich life. i may not be rich when it comes to monetary value but HE has filled my life with experiences and lessons that the others could only observe and not experience fully. what i should pray for then is how i could use it for HIS glory, to put it in good use.

Teach me, LORD. reach into my very soul and extract from it what You could use. I am here, send me.

D.A.

not sure if i've written about my neighbor that i took notice of months ago. he already left but his bro still lives a door away from me. i've been wanting to give him a book because i really feel sorry for him. he lives alone, doesn't have anything in his apartment but a small mattress to sleep on, water container and a tv which i think his brother bought for him just recently and he only eats bread. nobody talks to him and he seldom leaves his unit. i sometimes see him looking confused, walking in the rain and all but i don't think he's a full blown schizo though because he could still function on his own. but i really wonder what his story is? he used to live in the US, that much i know. maybe he's got war shocked or something but whatever his story his i want him to hear about Christ.

so last night i asked one of the caretakers to give him the book and gospel tract. i told the caretaker not to tell who's it from and DA (his initials) sounded kinda paranoid but then thought that maybe it's from his brother. i wrote him a note though and once he reads it he'll know that it's not from his bro. i hope it's ok with him and i pray that he reads the book and gets something from it.

i want him to know the Lord.

argggggh!

the world's getting smaller again... you should stay in your building and not come back to mine. a glimpse of you's good from time to time but to actually be in the same building as you is not fun at all. i don't like the feeling, it's suffocating.

for girls

lesson for the girls;

guys will be naturally flirty once they've found out that you kinda like them. and that doesn't necessarily mean that they like u back or that the feeling is mutual, it's just in their nature... it's how they're wired i guess. so, they really can't help it.

conditions

the other day i've found out that my adopted sister was using my laptop, not to mention my other stuff that i've told her time and time again not to use. and she even lied to me when i confronted her about it. i got so pissed that i asked her to leave. she did for a couple of days but decided to take her back with conditions and a final ultimatum.

which got me into thinking... what if GOD's like me? what if HE gives conditions each and every time i fail HIM, every time i sin? i wonder what have become of me if my GOD's like me. i've still so much to learn about forgiveness. i tend to keep tabs and i easily give up on people. i seldom give second chances.

it could be the exact reason why seldom of my relationships in the past lasted. speaking of romantic relationships, i was reading a novel the other day and the plot was about this guy who tends to pull back when he feels himself getting overly into someone already. he would disappear for days and would say things that would really hurt his partner's feelings but the girl stayed longer than i know i would. and god i don't wanna go through those heart wrenching scenes again. i'm too old for that but one thing i've learned, it's easier for me to let go now except for one person.... my german guy.

Someone To Watch Over Me by Patti Austin

the cry of my heart and how i love this song

hopeless case :-(

stressed out

as i was getting dressed for work yesterday, this came to mind..."i'm so darn busy!"

yeah, how did life get to be this busy? i hardly have time for myself. i really deserve a vacation. i'm earning good money now but i wish i'm never this busy and harassed. it feels like i've aged 10 more years. i also look older now. am i stressed? kinda. so this is how it feels like eh? i used to boast that i don't get stressed out.... so this is how it's like. i don't like it at all!

it really aint easy to run a household. good practice though. but will i ever have the chance to put it in good use? i don't even have time for myself, how would i find time to have a lovelife? there were offers this past months but from guys that i don't even like. yeah, i am choosy!

deaths

i went to my hometown for the wake of my grandfather's siblings and also my grandmom's cousin. they all died just hours ahead of each other. sad and alarming! another reminder of what i should do as a christian. i hope that all of them were able to hear the gospel before passing on.

i got to see relatives and enjoyed their company as well. i really am closer to my granddad's side of the family than my granny's. though we seldom see each other we still hit it off. i really like their sense of humor which the other side of the family lacks. i wish i could spend more time with them

will it ever die, LORD? it's been what, 7 yrs? how come i still feel the same way about him? just to hear his voice, hear him say my name is already enough to bring me back to square 1.

I EXIST!!! :-)

after a boring week life started getting busy again as i get back to work. had to render 4 hrs of overtime almost everyday and then also have to work on one of my rest days. yeah, needed it coz i'm eying something that i've been wanting to buy. and because of my hard work i was able to buy one... well, gave the downpayment for it at least and the rest would be on the delivery date which will be next month. excited!

ramblings of a temporary hermit

i've been a hermit since last week, went out just twice to go to the doctor and to the Fort. i've been sick, still am, a bit. and while sick i'm feasting on novels, both thick and thin ones. and funny because 2 out of the 3 or 4 that i've read 2 of the heroines died. they waited for their knights in shining armors for years, even decades, only to spend such a short time of bliss with them. sad, sad. will i end up that way?

it's been almost 4 mos now since i've moved out of my comfort zone and life's now more settled. i've gotten used to the bills that i have to pay every month; rent, electricity, phone, internet, water, cable, etc. etc. i don't know how long will i have to live this way. until i get married? but will i ever get married? my life's such a bore now, i haven't even gone to church for almost a month now concocting excuses and reasons just so i won't have to go.

i know there's more to life than bills. to combat the boredom,i also bought a cat but what a pet could give me is limited. i need interaction. i need action. i've also taken noticed of my good-looking neighbor. and of course he looks a bit like sunshine and quint. that's typically my type. and instead of wasting my energy on sunshine i'd rather focus on this one, easier and more accessible. nothing has come out of yet though.

how long will i live like this?

who are you?

i woke up in the middle of the night with this thought, "who are you?".

who am i, really?

i am a child of God but often times i don't live like one. it breaks my heart but it's really so hard to break old habits. so i really am thankful to my merciful SAVIOR. it's really funny when i find it so hard to forgive other people when i've been forgiven more than a million times already.

yeah, i tend to harbor hatred and bitterness. that's one of the things that i need to change.... that God needs to deal with in me.

hmmm... what else? i sometimes think too much of how people view me as a person. i don't want to be pitied. and this prevents me from proclaiming my uniqueness. but i'm already getting tired of hiding. i shouldn't really waste what God has given me. not everyone has this opportunity. i could be used more if i show people who i really am.

what am i scared of anyways?

sometimes it feels like the world requires too much from me. i'm tired.

blessings

i really love surprises, however small it is. just this morning the driver of the cab i took on my way to work was listening to a christian station and upon learning that we're both christians we started talking. then he refused to take my fare and just said, "let me bless you with this. your fare's on me". what a heart! and then at work my boss gave me some gift checks. that'll be a big help

PTL! thanks for the blessings, DAD!

the day i moved

written JAN 5, 2011

I haven’t updated for so long because I don’t have internet at home yet. Yes, I’ve already moved out of our (their) house and is now living on my own and I’m actually liking it. Though I’m loving it I often times worry about the bills and all but I know that my God will take good care of me... so, I should quit worrying. He has brought me this far, He’ll surely see me through.
I’ve already spent Christmas here at my new place together with my bro and his family plus our adopted sister who lives with me. New year’s pretty quiet with just me and my sister at home. It was ok and I didn’t even feel lonely, I guess I’ve outgrown that already… the holiday blues, I mean. It was nice to be quiet for a change.
Yesterday I had my first non-family visitor. A friend picked me up from work, bought dinner and headed home. And as we talk God actually touched my heart and made me feel something that I never really felt for this friend though we’ve known each other since college. God gave me love and compassion and I actually felt bad about her health condition. And I actually cared!
I’ve been inviting this friend to church for years already. She said yes once and never came back after that. She’s actually turned off with my way of introducing Christ to her and yesterday I actually realized how wrong my way was. You see, she’s the type of person who’s straightforward. She has a pretty strong personality, so I thought. But how wrong I was! She’s actually the fragile type. She longs to be loved. She wanna be taken cared of just like any other girl. So my way of introducing Christ to her was –oh-so-terribly wrong. I was so blunt in telling her that what she’s doing is sin. I’ve failed to get into her shoes and actually feel what she’s feeling. But with the realization last night I hope, with God’s help, that all that would change. I wanna show her how God loves her just the way she is. That she doesn’t have to prove anything to God because He knows who she really is. He knows how she exactly feels and that she doesn’t have to search far for her to find the love that she so craves for.
Help me, Lord, to show her the way to You.