anonymous no more :-)

i knew it! happy (misty-eyed even) to see u still reading my so-called-existence after all these years. i sure wanna hear from you when you're ready for it, no pressure! :-) i wanna know what's going on with u. i wanna hear the lessons u've learned, the dramas, joys.... everything! nothing would be too trivial. ;-)

anyways, u keep on saying that i have a good heart. well, modesty aside... i also believe that i do but makes me wonder why 'he' (nobody in particular as of my writing this) couldn't see it. but maybe he did see it, it's just that he's not man enough to face up to whatever it is that comes with that good heart... ahhhh, the intricacies of a woman's heart. but GOD has me in HIS hands... i just have to wait and wait and wait.

i know am not making much sense right now and it's 'cause i'm hurting, figuratively and literally. i have a terrible backache, don't know what happened but it started on my chest, got into my back and stayed there.

and my heart's also hurting, figuratively, that is. let's just say that i got carried away by the tide for some time but is now back ashore. that short stint though taught me,at the very least, that there are still lots of fish in the ocean. but this one that i've had a short encounter with needs a little tete a tete but am still thinking about it... i don't wanna scare the hell out of him ;-)he's hurt me, yes, but he also got me ready to love again, to be open to other possibilities. it could've been him though, sad he doesn't like me.

last night when i told him that my back hurts, i was hoping that he would at least show some care... to come near me and offer comfort but he never did. some guy friends, who are not even christians, offered comfort but not him. and that washed me back onshore. good thing it happened this early though, instead of having me float in the vast ocean of nothingness. i can't afford to wait that long anymore.

anyways, sorry for taking this all out on you. wish we could talk. btw, do u still blog? or have u ever blogged? sorry, it's been years and my memory's not that good anymore. if u do blog, mind giving me the link?

so long, buddy! :-)

which Bible beauty am i?

You are Sarah.
Wife of Abraham, the Father of All Nations.
Sarah is the Bible's legendary matriarch who gave
birth though past the age of childbearing.

When Abraham came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw
that she was a very beautiful woman. Genesis 12:14

writing from the heart

it's really not for me, my heart's grieving. i can't stand having to wait for something that's so close and then not knowing whether i'm really waiting for something or it's just a pigment of my over active imagination. i can't stand another heartache.

i've decided to just be still. being still doesn't mean that i've lost the feeling already, it just means that i'm not gonna have an active participation anymore until he has made his mind up already. and in case there's really nothing to decide on on his end, at least i've saved myself from investing too much of my emotions into something that's not even there in the first place.

i've let myself go so easily... i shouldn't have gotten thrilled by the attention. it's nothing! that's the problem with christian guys, they're just too nice and women have this tendency to read something completely out of nothing. really, both sexes should be extra careful.

thank you, DAD because i know that my heart's still in your mighty hands.

hey hey

yeah, been a little chatty lately and 'anonymous', thanks for the comment on my previous post. really makes me wonder who you really are. am not sure but you could be david, an old friend from ohio. :-) am i right?

anyways, writing this before leaving for work. my heart's soaring but i want God to keep it in His palms until it's already time to let it fly. i'm scared. i want this to go somewhere, yes, but on the other hand i am kinda scared because i'm not used to it anymore. i'm so used on being alone, doing my own thing and making decisions without consulting anyone but if all that's gonna change... so be it.

i'll let GOD decide... this might not even go anywhere. come what may, i am happy.

what do i want it to be?

a lull, complete halt or, hoping against hope, an inception?

much as i don't want to admit it, it raised my hopes but it's good that it's stopped even before it began. it's not that it's wrong but i don't wanna go through the same feeling again. so, after all the excitements and playbacks... i'm still alone. they ought to be more careful with our hearts. women are differently wired than men.

an ex got in touch with me just today saying sorry for all the times that he's hurt me. goodness! it's been more than a decade ago, he should get over it. but it's good to talk to him again without the bitterness and all. there are a lot of closures happening in my life lately. it also included i being able to forgive my mom completely. am i dying?!

fluctuating

missing my white noise!

have u ever had that feeling of wanting something so much when it's not there but then not knowing what to do with it once it's already within your reach? been feeling that way for weeks now. i don't know how it started, it just crept into my system. one day i just woke up and kaboom, i've been hit!

silly grins, sparkling eyes, endless playbacks, and the sort of walking on air feeling... arrrrgh! aren't i too old for this?

miss crying

life's busy and GOD's been so gracious, merciful and faithful... there's really no reason to cry. not that i'm asking for problem or for GOD to give me something to cry about but i do miss that soul cleansing water of life = tears. crying makes u wanna crawl in bed and just talk to GOD. tears remind u that u've got a soul and a heart. tears refresh ur inner being. it makes u feel human.

but for sure i don't need sorrowful tears for me to stay in touch with my heart, GOD could cook up events in my life to make me feel that. for now i wanna make joyful noises in praise of my SAVIOR!

closures

just got home from having dinner with 2 good friends, it was an emergency dinner coz of an event that happened last night. GOD has replaced the comma with a period . GOD's closing old chapters of our lives already, what happened to her also happened to me... C-L-O-S-U-R-E. it's sad but it's high time for us to say goodbye to those long gone.

my closure happened couple of weeks ago, i think. i've been praying for some clarity for the past month or so already and the answer came when i saw him accidentally. right there and then GOD gave me a clear answer, it's time to move on already. and it's actually freeing! i didn't even cry. what i had was just an illusion, he's not a beacon at all! i put him on a pedestal when in fact he didn't even treat me like a bro in Christ should. i fell in love with his profession, his mission and my idea of what a missionary should be like. i'm really glad that i'm over it now. i hope my friend would feel the same. the guy just used her as his emotional whore and i'm just glad that he's now gone.

so, what's in store for us? not sure but one thing i know, GOD is moving. HE's got something exciting planned. can't wait for that plan to come into fruition. but for now i'm willing to wait for THE ONE, i just hope he's just around the bend. i don't know who's it gonna be yet, he may not even be my idea of what i want but i'm open to possibilities. i just wanna feel treasured, cherished and loved.

and what would make me feel loved?
> service
> gifts
> words of affirmation/appreciation

i have a wonderful GOD!

it's been a really hectic day; went to church after work, met up with my dgroup and with a real estate broker afterwards then went shopping and met up with a friend after and then shopping again. spent a lot also :-(

note to self; just let things take its natural course

more blessings

busy, busy, busy.... i just wanna stay home but couldn't. lots of demands from the outside world. yesterday i went to a wedding and child dedication and today i would visit a friend in the hospital and give some moral and monetary assistance. GOD really took me seriously when i told HIM that i wanna be a channel of HIS blessing and now i am being stretched. i'm not a natural giver, it requires a whole lot of grace from GOD for me to be able to do this.

well, i thank HIM for giving me the ability to earn and for not being the one on the other side of the fence... the one needing help. but one thing i've learned, you can't really outgive GOD. HE will give u more and more blessings if you know how to share.

longings

i don't believe in coincidences. yesterday i was supposed to meet up with a friend in shangri-la for late lunch and then meet up with another set of friends for dinner later that night. but i ended up meeting with the first friend in rockwell instead. and because of that my heart ended up walking all over the place. has something changed? i think so, it's now time for CLOSURE! yes,i don't want a german jacket anymore.

GOD wants me to finish this chapter of my life already. it wasn't that clear before but after yesterday it's now as clear as daylight. sad but that's life. we don't always get what we crave for because often what we crave for isn't what we really need. looking back, i just fell for a dream. i put it on a pedestal that i failed to see the reality of it all. but i'm now ok. God could see my beginning to my end and there's no need to worry.

the friend i was with yesterday has a different type of longing. i didn't see how intense it was until i saw her cry. GOD gave us these longings for a reason, HE wants us to cling to HIM. we may or may not get what we long for but HE is still faithful. good thing that this life doesn't end here... there's a hereafter and there we will be completely happy.

my tombstone

"had DIED UNAPPRECIATED"